It’s not really a funny story or something catty like people would probably expect from me.
It’s becoming a more common thing to people ask me why I have this personal vendetta against them so here it goes.
A few years ago, before tumblr, when myspace was still a relevant thing I dated a porn star. It was one of those things when you meet someone and they immediately sweep you off your feet, needless to say we jumped into things pretty quickly.
I think one of the reasons I now spend a lot more time getting to know people before I consider seriously dating them is because I need to see their flaws and if they’re something worth working through.
As I was saying we jumped into things pretty quickly, we were “young and in love” or whatever. It wasn’t long before he proposed to me and I said yes. Not long after all of this his dark side began to emerge, and from behind those eyes that had originally captivated me I began to see that he was completely consumed by the demons he’s probably still fighting to this day.
I began to see his alcoholism, his drug addictions, his overly possessiveness, his rage, all at once. It got to the point where our relationship became toxic and abusive, I’d often wear long sleeves and hoodies to hide the bruises from my family.
It gets worse.
There was one point when I wasn’t going to see him for a couple weeks so he wanted to make the most of seeing me. He was very persistent about us having sex and I just wasn’t in the mood that day. I won’t sugarcoat it, he forced me down, forced himself on top of me and raped me. He covered my mouth to keep me from screaming out, this was quite possibly the worst pain I have ever experienced, worse than any piercing and tattoo I’ve ever gotten, and the emotional scarring has taken years to fully recover from. This is the last time I can remember ever crying from physical pain. I felt completely degraded and worthless.
I was young and stupid, I had extremely low self esteem and was stuck in the mentality that I was so damaged that he would be the only person to ever love me. He completely broke me, my spirit, and I didn’t know it at the time but he broke my heart too.
Finally it got to the point where I grew a backbone and decided to stand up for myself. I called him up, told him that I was done dealing with his shit, and that we’re through.
When the power completely flipped from who was in control it was almost surreal. He went from angry to bawling on the other side of the phone line.
I never got my stuff back from him and I still have a few of his things. I have no idea what happened to the engagement ring, it may still be in my room somewhere. The rest of the things that were gifts from him I destroyed and/or burned. I’m not even sure of his whereabouts to be quite honest. Last I heard one of my friends saw him on the trolley maybe about 5 years ago.
It’s taken me big chunk of my life to recover from the damage he did to me. The people who have followed me for long enough have seen the points when I really began to show some self esteem and those were big steps for me.
And for those who saw me go through a milder scenario of this about 2 years or so ago know that I really did stop trying to generalize over my dislike of twinks, but again I dated someone who was addicted to meth, seeing it all unfold before my eyes hit too close to home for me and I ended that before it got anywhere near what it used to be with my previous experience.
This is the first time I’ve ever had the courage to open up about this online. This isn’t something I really even talk to other people about. It’s just crazy to me to see how I’ve grown so much since this really dark time in my life.
I didn’t post this to be anyone’s hero or some shit, but I do want people to see that no matter how shitty of a situation you might feel like you’re trapped in, there’s always a way out and that it’s never too late to turn it around. You’re only a victim for as long as you choose to let yourself be one.