Captain Steve XXX, Google Me Betch!
then as soon as I mention that I’m dating someone everyone wants the D

no, fuck you, I don’t sit around waiting for people to come snatch me up.

Someone asked me why I dislike twinks so much

It’s not really a funny story or something catty like people would probably expect from me.

It’s becoming a more common thing to people ask me why I have this personal vendetta against them so here it goes.

A few years ago, before tumblr, when myspace was still a relevant thing I dated a porn star. It was one of those things when you meet someone and they immediately sweep you off your feet, needless to say we jumped into things pretty quickly. 

I think one of the reasons I now spend a lot more time getting to know people before I consider seriously dating them is because I need to see their flaws and if they’re something worth working through.

As I was saying we jumped into things pretty quickly, we were “young and in love” or whatever. It wasn’t long before he proposed to me and I said yes. Not long after all of this his dark side began to emerge, and from behind those eyes that had originally captivated me I began to see that he was completely consumed by the demons he’s probably still fighting to this day. 

I began to see his alcoholism, his drug addictions, his overly possessiveness, his rage, all at once. It got to the point where our relationship became toxic and abusive, I’d often wear long sleeves and hoodies to hide the bruises from my family.

It gets worse.

There was one point when I wasn’t going to see him for a couple weeks so he wanted to make the most of seeing me. He was very persistent about us having sex and I just wasn’t in the mood that day. I won’t sugarcoat it, he forced me down, forced himself on top of me and raped me. He covered my mouth to keep me from screaming out, this was quite possibly the worst pain I have ever experienced, worse than any piercing and tattoo I’ve ever gotten, and the emotional scarring has taken years to fully recover from. This is the last time I can remember ever crying from physical pain. I felt completely degraded and worthless. 

I was young and stupid, I had extremely low self esteem and was stuck in the mentality that I was so damaged that he would be the only person to ever love me. He completely broke me, my spirit, and I didn’t know it at the time but he broke my heart too. 

Finally it got to the point where I grew a backbone and decided to stand up for myself. I called him up, told him that I was done dealing with his shit, and that we’re through.

When the power completely flipped from who was in control it was almost surreal. He went from angry to bawling on the other side of the phone line.

I never got my stuff back from him and I still have a few of his things. I have no idea what happened to the engagement ring, it may still be in my room somewhere. The rest of the things that were gifts from him I destroyed and/or burned. I’m not even sure of his whereabouts to be quite honest. Last I heard one of my friends saw him on the trolley maybe about 5 years ago. 

It’s taken me big chunk of my life to recover from the damage he did to me. The people who have followed me for long enough have seen the points when I really began to show some self esteem and those were big steps for me.

And for those who saw me go through a milder scenario of this about 2 years or so ago know that I really did stop trying to generalize over my dislike of twinks, but again I dated someone who was addicted to meth, seeing it all unfold before my eyes hit too close to home for me and I ended that before it got anywhere near what it used to be with my previous experience.

This is the first time I’ve ever had the courage to open up about this online. This isn’t something I really even talk to other people about. It’s just crazy to me to see how I’ve grown so much since this really dark time in my life. 

I didn’t post this to be anyone’s hero or some shit, but I do want people to see that no matter how shitty of a situation you might feel like you’re trapped in, there’s always a way out and that it’s never too late to turn it around. You’re only a victim for as long as you choose to let yourself be one.

Overall: really good weekend

It’s fucking crazy to me how quickly shit can turn around.

I can’t wait for this week to begin, there’s so much to look forward to.

Venting… kinda.

Every fucking time I tell myself “okay fuck trying to date, just focus on yourself, it’ll just end in disappointment like the one you just experienced” and then what do you know? Some random cute mother fucker comes out of nowhere and is like “oh hi I think you’re cute let’s make out, etc.”

Then it doesn’t fucking work out because:

  • He’s not over his ex
  • He’s insecure
  • He’s psychotic
  • He’s not ready for a relationship
  • "We’re at two different places in our lives"
  • My personality is too big for him to handle
  • Or any combination of the above

Then I’m sitting here like “well so much for that, but for real this time, no dating” followed by me finding someone I’m interested in who it doesn’t end up working out with for a whole other myriad of reasons like:

  • He sucks at communicating
  • It isn’t mutual
  • We don’t have enough in common
  • We have too much in common
  • He’s moving in a few months
  • He gets caught up in hard drugs
  • He’s always too high to remember to text back
  • He thinks my religious practices are weird and/or spooky
  • Or any combination of the above including some from the previous categories

It’s a fucking endless cycle and here I am wanting to say “Okay seriously fuck dating, focus on yourself” but that only opens the floodgates for this repetitive cycle. 

It annoys the fuck out of me that the only guys I would consider dating for real and know I’d have a successful relationship with live far as fuck and I absolutely cannot deal with a long distance relationship.

I’m also over hooking up with randoms, empty meaningless sex has gotten boring for me, I at least require some fucking body chemistry, someone who can make my blood pump.

Whatever, I’m done venting, staying on team single for a long time, or at least until I can find someone worth my god damn time. Fuck this noise, I’m gonna go play Pokemon or watch Doctor Who or some shit then going to sleep.

Kinda sad that someone is so obsessed with me that they go to the lengths of hacking my Facebook

Remember those two basic bitches I posted about cutting out of my life like 2 weeks ago or something?

Well Saturday night they decided it’d be fun to hack my account and post vulgar things on my page. Now I’m all for posting vulgarity on my social networking accounts but they posted things like “I have diarrhea, someone fuck my loose hole.” and things of that nature. I automatically knew it was them, I don’t have enemies, I have like 2 people who hate me and I automatically knew who it was based off of that alone.

First off, anyone who has topped me knows I’m far from loose, I keep that nice and tight.

Secondly, how bored are you with your own life that you take time out of your life to stalk, hack, and try to impersonate someone on the internet? I know neither of them follow me on tumblr anymore but I know for a fact they still take their time to look through my posts here as well as on my other social networking accounts, obsessed much? Maybe they’ll stop if I send them an autographed picture.

Another thing, when I told my mom about it she was pissed and with good reason, we let Dale live with us for a few months  or maybe a year when he had no job or money so that he could continue going to school. She also notarized a paper for him to get his citizenship since he was technically an illegal alien until maybe 2 years ago or something. She told me to send him a text saying it’s nice to see how he appreciates everything my family has done for him and to never communicate with me or my family ever again, which surprised even me. As for Jake, child please, we’re talking about someone who still stalks their ex from well over a year ago as well as other people they’ve had a falling out with on the internet. I could go on.

No one in San Diego likes them, they have like 3 friends, they can’t keep a friend because they live for the drama. This is the main reason I’m fine with never speaking to them again, they carry around this ugly murky dark black aura filled with negative energy and insecurities.

It’s not shade if it’s true; I’ve always said that if the truth hurts well then you should probably fix it. I like who I am and how I look, I don’t need to get plastic surgery or be fake to have people like me, I’m as real as they come.

Whatever, I’m done venting and after my nightly chants and meditation I will have expelled any and all negative energy I have lingering inside of me.

I’d say Bye Felicia but they stole that line from me soooo Bye Myrtle. Where’s my can of bitch-be-gone? 

You know how when you like someone and they like you back but if you dated it’d be doomed from the start?

Yeah… current dilemma. 

I should just got to Japan where you can pay someone to be your boyfriend (which I found out today is a real thing but not as awesome as it sounds).

Okay, rant over. 

Venting/Niccas need to grow the fuck up

I had dinner with a friend last night and we had some time to kill before Flicks(a local video bar) got populated so we walked like 5 or 6 blocks to Fiesta Cantina since they have these giant margaritas. Anyway, when we were like a block away I see my ex from like 4 years or so ago walking towards us, we make eye contact for a split second and he quickly turns around, walks faster, and ducks into the nearest bar to hide from me.

My faith in humanity continues to dwindle, the fact that a 30 year old man can’t make peace over something that happened years ago is fucking sad, clearly the problem here is completely one-sided. 

On a similar note of people whose maturity is below that of my 7 year old nephew’s, my now ex-best friend of 13 years completely cut ties with me, blocked me on all social networking sites, and won’t answer any of my texts. Why? All over some drama his roommate/ex created in his own head. One grown ass man who won’t get over a misunderstanding proceeds to manipulate his spineless roommate (whom I used to refer to as my best friend) into not talking to me. 

To be quite honest, that’s fine, neither of them have any friends who actually like them… actually, they don’t have any friends, ironically they’re too self absorbed and insecure, how’s that for a fucking combo? They’re both miserable and alone, trying to fill that void with money. To top it all off they like to create drama because they’re so bored with their lives.

Long story short: I’m fine cutting them both out of my life, I have my best friend/straight boyfriend, I have a ton of friends who are real with me and are mature enough to handle a little bit of constructive criticism.

I may not be loaded with cash but I’m happy with myself and my life. I’m a beautiful person on the inside and outside, neither of which I can say about any of the 3 I’ve mentioned in this post. 

If the truth hurts, fix it, salty bitches, stay burnt.

so I did shrooms last Tuesday

It was interesting.

I was laying on my back staring at the ceiling, slowly it began to look like the bottom of a white octopus’ tentacles pressed against glass.

Next I turned around and started searching through the carpet for a shiny Staryu which at that point made complete sense in my head, this was around the point when I started speaking complete nonsense, like inventing days.

At one point I looked over at one of my friends who was wearing a striped sweater, he became the Cheshire cat.

Then my depth perception was completely off, I got lost in the couch, I had to swim out, at this point everyone else was sleeping. I got stuck staring at a light for what seemed like hours even though it was only a few minutes.

I managed to stand on my feet and walked towards the front door, this was when my feet started melting into the hard wood floor like quicksand, so I quickly jumped out of it and into the bathroom shutting the door behind me.

At this point the room sealed itself shut and I was stuck staring at my reflection watching myself morph into a tiger hawk otter or something, again it made sense in my mind at the time, I looked away from the mirror and lifted the toilet seat so I could pee and swore I saw neon diamonds in the water, I finally found my way out of the bathroom after a few minutes.

For some reason I brought the towel from the bathroom and wrapped it around my body and sat on the ottoman for a few minutes trying to figure out if I was still alive or what was going on because at this point everything felt as if it wasn’t really happening. 

One of my friends who was also asleep in the living room took me outside onto the patio to smoke which helped relieve my anxiety, luckily after this I was able to finally go to sleep.

The first couple hours of my trip was amazing and euphoric, I was noticing the beauty in everything, the last hour or so when everyone was sleeping was terrifying because I legitimately thought I was dead and that my life was flashing before my eyes.

I’m mainly blogging this so that I can look back on it at a later time since I managed to piece everything that happened together and actually had time to document it.

Remember when I was straight edge for 6 years? 

it’s nice to see who your true friends are; not the ones who vanish or don’t respond to your texts when you really do need them, but god forbid you don’t answer them when they need you. 

I’m done being nice, it’s been getting me nowhere. 

In other news: never dating military dudes again, what a fucking joke. 

I’m in a rough spot right now but I need to claw my way back to the top where I belong, whether it be alone or not. 

I had a very unsettling dream last night when I was finally able to sleep

I had a dream that I was out at the club, I met this guy, we immediately hit it off really well and were talking most of the night until the club closed.

Anyway, so we ended up going back to his place, making out heavily, he took my shirt off and I started unbuttoning his, when I got down to the lower buttons I noticed he was wearing a dynamite belt/timebomb time thing and right as it counted down to 1 I woke up gasping for air.

I think I oughta not date or something for a while, I feel like it was some sort of warning.